Spoofs

[Lossentilien]

Just thought it'd be cool to have a thread of LotR spoofs.....
I was gonna post a song, but I've lost the lyrics......
I'll post it when I find it....
Anyone else got anything? *looks around blank faces*

[Lossentilien]

Ok, after making my room messier than it already was, I have found the lyrics. They crack me up, so......
Here you go:


Smeagolian Rhapsody

Sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Is this the Smeagol,
Is this just Gollum here,
Trapped in the mountains,
No escape from these Goblins here,
Listen now hark, Go to the dark and be,
I'm just a Smeagol,I need no sympathy,
Because the fishes come, fishes go,
I'm happy here, down below,
Anywhere my ring goes, will not be too far from me,
From me.

Bilbo, just stole my ring,
Made me play a riddle game,
Baggins cheated, curse his name,
Precious, you're my only love,
But Baggins came and stole you all away,
Precious, ooo, Didn't mean to let you slip,
If I don't find you by this time tomorrow, I'll search on, I'll search on,
As if nothing else will matter.

Too late, the Dark Lord's come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
Asking questions all the time,
Goodbye to my precious, I've got to go,
Gotta tell this disembodied eye the truth,
Precious, ooo, I didn't want to die,
Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all.

I see a little silhoueto of a Sam,
Scour brush, scour brush, got to clean the pots brightly,
When he's got ropes he's frightening
Seems to enjoy tightening me,
Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, nice master- the ring thief's heir,
I'm just a Gollum, nobody loves me,
He's just a poor boy, from a stoor family,
Spare him his ring and just let him go free,
Precious come, precious go, will you let me go?
No Gollum! No, we will not let you go. Let me go!
No Slinker! No, we will not let you go. Let me go!
No Stinker! No, we will not let you go. Let me go!
Will not let you go!
Let me go!
Never let you go.
Let me go!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins let me go,
Dark Lord Sauron has a Nazgul set aside for me.

So you thought you could rob me and spit in my eye,
So you thought you could use me and leave me to die,
Oh, Baggins, can't do this to me Baggins,
Just gotta bite out, Just take a bite right out of you,
Nothing else can matter, anyone can see,
Nothing else can matter, nothing else can matter to me.

Anywhere my ring goes.................



Hahaha! I love that version. There are other ones, but I think that's the best.

[Aranel of Mirkwood]

*snork!* ;D I've found a brilliant song-spoof, but I can't remember it right now. I'll be back to post it later!!!

[Lossentilien]

Well, this pretty much flopped.....................
Oh well. You do your best to entertain.......

[Eruanne]

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS (all diaries written by Cassandra Claire)


Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.

Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.

Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.

Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.

Day 33: Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most off putting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN


Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.

Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.

Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing.
Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.

Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog. Not King today either.

Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good.
Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.

Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.

Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.

Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V.good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, Goddammit.

THE SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF


DAY ONE: In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

DAY TWO: Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

DAY THREE: Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

DAY TWELVE: Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

DAY THIRTEEN: Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

DAY FOURTEEN: Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

DAY SIXTEEN: Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.

DAY NINETEEN: Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

DAY TWENTY: Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

DAY TWENTY-ONE: Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.

DAY TWENTY-THREE: V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

DAY TWENTY-FIVE: Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

DAY TWENTY-SIX: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!

*****

I'll post the rest later, this post is getting too long.

[Eruanne]

THE SECRET DIARY OF FRODO


Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.

Day Three: Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Day Four: Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

Day 24: Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27: Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30: Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right?

Day 33: Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.

Day 36: Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at. Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

THE SECRET DIARY OF SAM


Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud?

Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five: Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all. *sulk*

Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.

Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten: V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick.

Day Fifteen: Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We will see about that.

THE SECRET DIARY OF PIPPIN


DAY ONE: Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby.

Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too.

DAY TWO: V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.

DAY THREE: Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.

DAY SEVEN: Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.

DAY NINE: Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can’t wait.

Later that night

Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?

Apparently not.

V. educational, all the same.

DAY THIRTEEN: Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn’s boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.

Aragorn still hasn’t washed his hair.

DAY FOURTEEN: Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.

DAY FIFTEEN: Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.

DAY SIXTEEN: Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.

Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.

DAY TWENTY: Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.

Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.

DAY THIRTY: Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.

Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.

* * *

More in a minute..

[Eruanne]

THE SECRET DIARY OF MERRY


DAY ONE: Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when “washing dishes” punishment followed by “polishing Gandalf’s staff” punishment and “massaging Gandalf’s feet” punishment and “nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch” punishment, I mean, who’s he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing.

DAY TWO: V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.

All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad.

DAY THREE: Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf “The Gray” earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.

DAY FIVE: Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn’t happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin’s belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what?

DAY SIX: Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said “That’s not what you said last night.” After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, “I’m really meant to be King, you know.” Sure he is, and I’m the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.

DAY SEVEN: In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.

DAY NINE: Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!

DAY ELEVEN: Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything.

Hope he tries something.

DAY FIFTEEN: Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us “little ones” to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo’s hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.

DAY SIXTEEN: Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old ‘Horn of Gondor’ trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.

DAY NINETEEN: Am in bad mood. Boromir called me “Pippin” at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.

DAY TWENTY: Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, “Not much difference really, eh?” In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, “Fool of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables.” Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat.

DAY TWENTY-TWO: Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas’ nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself – far too many high kicks.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps….no, certainly not.

DAY THIRTY: Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.

* * *
Since this is v. long, I'll do the rest in a separate post in a moment...

[Eruanne]

THE SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR


Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness. Ooops.

Day Three: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his... Stupid Ring.

Day Five: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten: Why isn't Aragorn into me

Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33: Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35: Killed by orcs.

Stupid orcs.

THE SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI


DAY ONE: Grr. Argh.

DAY TWO: Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.

DAY THREE: Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can’t even grow decent beards.

DAY SEVEN: Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiancèe in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness. Later.

Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!

DAY NINE: Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ‘our relationship.’

DAY THIRTEEN: V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That’s right, Isildur’s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.

DAY FOURTEEN: In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.

DAY FIFTEEN: Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.

DAY SIXTEEN: Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.

DAY TWENTY: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.

DAY TWENTY-TWO: Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.

* * *

Whew... That's all of them! Hope you haven't read any of them... Ah well, even if you have, they're still fun the fifth time round! ;D

EDIT: Damn, she's written some for TTT!

[Aranel of Mirkwood]

Here's the Secret Diary of Legolas for Two Towers! Have fun. ;D

---

The Very Secret Diary of Legolas

Day One: Whee!

Day Two: I like to run!

Day Three: I look good when I run!

Day Four: I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?

Day Six: Is Gimli staring at my butt?

Day Seven: No wonder he's always lagging behind.

Day Eight: Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.

Am still the prettiest.

Day Nine: Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.

Still prettiest.

Day Ten: Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.

Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.

Day Eleven: Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?

Day Twelve: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

Note to self: never date Gandalf.

Day Fifteen: Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.

Not the prettiest! V. bitter.

Day Nineteen: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.

Day Twenty: Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.

Day Twenty-seven: Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!

Day Twenty-nine: Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.

Day Twenty-Nine: Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.

Day Thirty Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.

No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!

[Mippin]

ahh spoofs? well I have a great spoof for anyone who is interested... go to www.freewebs.com/halflings (click enter of course) and on codes and read Lord of the Ties, my own little spoof of FoTR ;D ;D ;D ;D or should I say FoTT? ;D

[Aranel of Mirkwood]

FoTT?

[Mippin]

the Fellowship of the Tie ;D

[Aranel of Mirkwood]

Nice, EH. ;D

[Niluial]

Wow these are funny but great! ;D more, more...!!!

[Aranel of Mirkwood]

Okay all, you HAVE to go watch this Flash movie. It's so funny!!!

www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=88286 (ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL2)

Abedithon le,

~*~Aranel~*~