Sauron Cares

[Elentari]

Ok. I'm sure you're all aware of the existance of Angony Aunts. But what about in Middle Earth? Well, ME has Sauron, who cares (because i say he does). His minions often take their problems to the Dark Lord, and word quickly spread through ME of Sauron's caring responses. So, that's what this topic is about. Ok, so I sort of took the idea from the Barrow Downs, but the topic either died or was closed there. It shall live here though! (or else )


Orc #997: My Lord, lately I've been thinking... Why do we have to fight. I mean, is there really a point to it. Can't we live in peace with the Free Peoples, as much as their good ways seem strange?

Sauron: WHAT?!?! *cough* I mean... What has happened in your life to make you think this way?

Orc #997: My close friend, Orc #996, was killed by a falling Oliphant when those stupid trolls closed the Black Gates on its foot. He was crushed, and died instantly. I wasn't there at the time because I was out killing innocent humans, but I should have been there. Bascially, if there wasn't a war, I could have been there. *thinks, slowly* In fact *stands and becomes angry* If it wasn't for the war, he would never have died! *runs at Sauron in blind rage* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! *is burnt to a crisp*

Sauron: When will people learn that they die if they do that! Hello! Firery eye...

*There's a knock on the Black Gate*

Sauron's Mouth: Oh! Stop making all the noise! I was out late drinking last night.

Sauron: What?! I banned you from drinking!

Sauron's Mouth: Damn. I forgot you were there...

Sauron: You know what happened last time you went drinking... Yo gave away all my battle plans!

Voice outside the gates: That's what I came about...

Sauron: My battle plans?

Voice: No. Your Mouth here told us all what you've been saying in your sleep...

Sauron: I talk in my sleep?

Voice: Apparently. And it seems you have some... issues...

Sauron: What kind of issues?

Voice: Well, you were talking about wanting to ride the oliphant and how it wasn't fair that Melkor got to when you didn't. Was there some rivalry between you and Melkor?

Sauron: Well... Hang on... I'm the one who deals with peoples problems! How dare you try to take over my role! *gets angry* Now I'm mad! *ground cracks open on other side of gate*

Voice: *falls* Noooo.... Not again..... Aaaaaaaaaaah... *no thud is heard*

Sauron: Odd... There's generally some indication they hit the bottom... Oh well...


Of course, I'm sure your ones will be better than mine. I'm some what lacking a sense of humour

| tari

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Hmmm... I could see this as a fanfiction, actually... *in which plot bunnies insue*
***

Sauron is sitting on his dark, evil, foreboding throne, when Nazgul #5 comes walking in...

Nazgul 5 *slightly scared sounding*: My lord, I have come to you on behalf of the union of the orcs, with a message... *he pulls out message*

Sauron: *reads through it* So, my minions are threatening to strike because of the number of family members they are losing at each and every next turn...

Nazgul 5: *ever scareder* Yes... and the Nazgul-- my group-- are threatening to join the Gondorians, because we are so tired of these robe choices you have given us...

Sauron: *stands up* What is wrong with black, black, and more black?!

Nazgul 5: Well, you see, the union of Urak-hai has been laughing at us, and making fun of us for no reason at all, being as we wear nothing but black. It's became such a thing that we are no longer feared. *starts crying* We're no longer SCARY!!!! WAAAAHHHHHH...

Sauron: ... ... and this is a problem?

Nazgul 5: YES!!! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Sauron: If you are going to be so whiny about it, I can't do anything! *incinterates Nazgul* There, no more problems for you! Wait... I just killed a Nazgul because he was complaining about black robes?!

Mouth of Sauron: Apparently.

Eye of Sauron: This could possess a problem.

Sorry, that was pathetic, I know... sigh...

I'm only BORED...

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Dragoneyes]

I'm bored so let's see what cruddy thing I can come up with.

*A rather weedy orc wanders in to the great hall of the Dark Lord and cowers before the throne*

Orc: My lord, I am so privileged that your gracious self is so kind as to see me.

Sauron: Shut up. Where did an orc like you learn to speak like that anyway?

Orc: The Mouth of Saurson said that-

Sauron: Enough said. So what is your problem?

Orc: It's my name, people are laughing at it wherever I go.

Sauron: What is your name?

Orc: Slopbucket.

Sauron: *quickly stifles laughter* Whatever possessed your mother to give you that name?

Orc: She was in the kitchen at the time and said the first thing that came into her head.

Sauron: Well, you should just show that you aren't someone to be laughed at! Fight back! Kill the ones that laugh if you have to! You are STRONG! You have the ability! You CAN do this!

Orc: Really?

Sauron: No. *laughs outright* You'll just have to grin and bear it.

Orc: Grin and bear it?

Sauron: Well, not neccessarily grin, in fact, I'd rather you didn't. I don't want my army grinning like fools.

Orc: So that's your great advice?

Sauron: Yes. Go away now.

Orc: *is gone*

~~~

Behind the scenes:

Dragon: That was... absolutely terrible.

Sauron: You're telling me! I'm the one who had to say the lines, you've no idea how embarassing that was!

Dragon: It's nothing compared to knowing that you're the one who wrote the lines.

Sauron: True...

Dragon:...Does the pub sound like a good idea to you?

Sauron: Sounds like a brilliant idea to me.

~~~

In my defence I believe that I am still jet-lagged and even if that doesn't affect writing ability, I'm still sticking by it.

[Elentari]

Actually, I thought that was good, both of them. They made me laugh, I it takes a lot to make ME laugh... BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

I would write another thing, but I have about 70 emails to check and TONS of posts here to look at & reply to... And I'm tired...

| tari